Leaving the Raft Behind

Photo by Stitch.

So, last Wednesday marked the completion of my first 30 years wandering on this planet with little fanfare. The fact I am here to write this does draw attention to the minor accomplishment of not managing to have accidentally killed myself in the previous decade, despite what some may claim were at times my best efforts. But, I am still here, and for that I am thankful.

This is a surprising uneventful occasion for me. I'm not particularly excited for it. Nor am I particularly dreading it, like some people who almost need to be dragged kicking and screaming out of their 20s. I'm delaying any celebration until I've wrapped up some school obligations. But even considering that, it's a decidedly low-key event. Most of this apathetic feeling stems from the fact that any birthday celebrations are overshadowed by the (hopefully) imminent completion of my PhD. In light of that, a birthday feels more like a participant award. You don't have to earn it, you just get on for showing up.

However, 10 years from now, I'll probably have to think what day that I defended my dissertation. But my birthday will still serve as a marker for the progression of time. And as the dust is beginning to clear from my research paper submissions, I've been thinking a lot more about the future.

This is an interesting time for me. In one sense, my entire external self-identity is dissipating in one broad stroke. When the whole process completes I'll be simultaneously find myself without: a job title, a place to work, a source of income, or any requirements to be in one place. I'm still me, with all my character, but as far as changes go, it's a fairly substantial one. With everything ending at once, Life has essentially offered me the last decade as a dry run in being an adult. I've left with a bit of student loans, no major obligations (financial or otherwise), and a decade's worth of experience being a broke student. But, more importantly, I have a few ideas of what I want to be (and a lot of what I don't). And I have an opportunity to stake out who the next me will be with relatively little baggage from the previous iteration. Doing this right requires a lot of deep thought and introspection.

For a host of reasons over the last year or two, Buster Benson has become one of the people around the Internet I respect the most. He's written on a diverse range of subjects that resonate with me. His more meta-commentary on what a meaningful existence is and how to go about creating one are particularly poignant at times. One tradition he's started in this vein is the idea of a motto of the year, which both captures his frame of mind at the moment and provide some basic operating principles for the coming year. I've seen a number of other people do this, and I am shamelessly stealing as my own.

After some thought, my motto for this year is Leave the Raft Behind. The name comes from the Buddhist parable of the raft, which certainly sums up what I'm feeling at the moment. I think it will provide the appropriate template for consideration in the year to come. The passage follows:

"I shall show you, monks, the Teaching's similitude to a raft: as having the purpose of crossing over, not the purpose of being clung to. Listen, monks, and heed well what I shall say" — "Yes, Lord," replied the monks. and the Blessed One spoke thus:

"Suppose, monks, there is a man journeying on a road and he sees a vast expanse of water of which this shore is perilous and fearful, while the other shore is safe and free from danger. But there is no boat for crossing nor is there a bridge for going over from this side to the other. So the man thinks: 'This is a vast expanse of water; and this shore is perilous and fearful, but the other shore is safe and free from danger. There is, however, no boat here for crossing, nor a bridge for going over from this side to the other. Suppose I gather reeds, sticks, branches and foliage, and bind them into a raft.' Now that man collects reeds, sticks, branches and foliage, and binds them into a raft. Carried by that raft, laboring with hands and feet, he safely crosses over to the other shore. Having crossed and arrived at the other shore, he thinks: 'This raft, indeed, has been very helpful to me. Carried by it, laboring with hands and feet, I got safely across to the other shore. Should I not lift this raft on my head or put it on my shoulders, and go where I like?'

"What do you think about it, O monks? Will this man by acting thus, do what should be done with a raft?" — "No, Lord" — "How then, monks, would he be doing what ought to be done with a raft? Here, monks, having got across and arrived at the other shore, the man thinks: 'This raft, indeed, has been very helpful to me. Carried by it, and laboring with hands and feet, I got safely across to the other shore. Should I not pull it up now to the dry land or let it float in the water, and then go as I please?' By acting thus, monks, would that man do what should be done with a raft.

"In the same way, monks, have I shown to you the Teaching's similitude to a raft: as having the purpose of crossing over, not the purpose of being clung to. You, O monks, who understand the Teaching's similitude to a raft, you should let go even (good) teachings, how much more false ones!"

I spend a lot of time considering the actions I do automatically, without thinking. A generalization of habits. As I see it, I've outgrown many of the means and methods that have gotten me to this point. My habits (work or otherwise), my thoughts, my outlook, my values have all aided me in achieving my degree, but they are also my raft.

I waste too much time on the internet. I'm always late completing anything that isn't due to someone else. I don't read enough. I don't write enough. I don't spend enough time with friends. I don't cook enough. I fret about unimportant things. I'm not a very good listener. I'm good at working hard, but less good at working smart. This isn't total self-deprecation. There are plenty of good traits in there, but it's save the few and discard the rest.

I feel a great deal of my general operating methods won't serve me as well in the future and it's time to closely examine a great number of aspects of myself and see which of them will serve me going forwards. To think about it analytically, I want to build a more comprehensive philosophy of life, to embody my virtues and inform my actions.

Thought of another way, this year's motto can be thought of as being a better keeper of the garden of my mind. I need to be careful about what I provide the vegetation in terms of nourishment. Too much, too little water or the wrong kind of fertilizer can stunt growth. I am becoming much more conscious of what I consume. Even more important is the issue of weeding. Care must be taken to remove aspects of my life without value that stand to choke out the more important ones. A lot of empty "soil" early on isn't a barren field, it's the space in which the valuable plants will grow and flourish.

One essential part of reconsidering of what's important is actively defending the space and time to think and consider. My normal schedule has been so full that I haven't had the opportunity to ruminate on the bigger questions. I feel a big part of this plan will revolve around defining enough empty spaces without stimuli to let the important thoughts bubble to the top.

Finally, while I'm stealing ideas from Buster, I have to reiterate his rules. These have hung above my desk for the better part of the last year and they're even more appropriate now than as when I first came across them. These are his, but I expect them to evolve with my own values and virtues in the years to come. I doubt they'll lose relevance any time soon.

You must not dilly-dally, so that your fears don’t trick you.
You must be your word, so that you speak confidently.
You must have good intentions, so that you don’t betray yourself.
You must admit to being the maker of meaning, so that you know what you’re getting.
You must not feel sorry for yourself, so that you do not become a martyr.
You must have a vision that you are striving for, so that you don’t get lost in incremental improvements.
You must tie creativity and experimentation with survival, so that you don’t take your work lightly.
You must be the change you want to see, so that you don’t blame others.
You must rally others with your vision, so that your ideas are tested.
You must stake your reputation on your better self, so that you become your better self.
You must be comfortable with the consequences of being who you are, both positive and negative.
You must share, so that your motivations remain clear.
You must make your own advice and take it, so that you trust yourself.
You must manage your stress, health, and clarity, so that you stay in balance.
You must study your mistakes, so that you don't take them too seriously.
You must retry things you don’t like every once in a while, so that your tastes grow.
You must make time to enjoy things, so that you have time to enjoy things.

I'm not sure where I'll be (in the geographical, employment or philosophical meaning of the word) this time next year, but I'm dedicated to building the tools to make the best of where ever that may look like. Interesting times!

And perhaps more importantly than any of this, annual birthday gourmet potluck preparations are being made for late July. More to come shortly.